i feel most beautiful when…

my hair has just finished air drying and my skin has cooled off. my eyes are free from powders and pencils and my brows arch naturally, like the slopes of my back and hips.

i wake up in the morning by the light of the sun. i don’t have any mirrors near my bed but i know the sun feels warm, sexy, and loving as it melts down my nose and through my veins.

i’m in a sweatshirt and shorts that fit my ass *just right*.

i feel most beautiful in all the moments when i’m not looking in a mirror. for feeling beautiful has nothing to do with looking. it isn’t something you search for; it’s something you let rush through your body and sex your soul.

that is loving yourself.


Paradise? Lost

as you hold his hand, i’m hurt but not jealous. i genuinely hope you’re happy to heal the pain of losing me. because i lost you as a friend and him as a possible love interest.

as you hold on to his hand, know that you let go of me as soon as you interlaced your fingers with his. it’s life. it’s not okay, and i’m not okay.

I’m better than ever.

do you like him?

it was a simple question–

i just wanted honesty, but you lied. i gave you a chance just like i did so many times before. like when i asked you “well do you like him?” before you had sex with our friend’s recent ex-boy. like when i said “yeah, i’ll be sober with you! we’ll have fun still!” before you smiled at me, turned around and then downed 2 shots of cheap vodka. like when i told you to be less sarcastic and bratty in your comebacks because it was low-key rude to everyone, before i dished it back to you, and you asked why i was “so mean to you”.

yes, tell me about how you’re the victim in all these situations you have crafted for yourself.

granted, it is not all your fault. the guy was a predatory asshole who took advantage of both of your drunkenness. that doesn’t make kissing him okay. yes, we were at a party with other drunk people when you took the shots of vodka. but you said you weren’t going to do something and did it anyways.

you’re making it hard for me to trust you, and there’s no way YOU’re the victim in that.

so when i asked you last week, “do you like him?” about the guy i like, and you straight to my face told me no but 3 days later told someone else yes, how am i supposed to react? happy??

because im not happy. i’m hurt.




“I just wish he hadn’t done that and want it to go away”

-this is what sexual assault sounds like on a tuesday


shame is not a natural thing. it is not an emotion we come to feel through our honest, raw thoughts.

shame is a prescription

given by others. by parents. by social expectations.

but the good thing is

you don’t have to take the prescription. you can fortify the closure of your lips as gates of protection and choose to open them to clearly say


i will not swallow the treatment you think i deserve. you do not decide what i feel.

It is hard to want so many things and have so many goals not yet met without feeling a bit empty. To want so much but know you have not achieved it is a somewhat cruel existence.

Much to Do About Too Many Things

It’s my senior year of university and I find myself running out of time and trying to also outrun it. I’m a board member for 2 organizations, one social and one social/cultural. Both clubs have my heart for different reasons, and I’m so passionate about my roles but… a girl can only do so many things in one day.

For my social organization, I am the Recruitment & Outreach Chair for a transfer student-specific, co-ed fraternity. I am responsible for advertising the frat to the transfer student body, scoping out events for us to volunteer and recruit at, organizing Rush events for the first week of every quarter, and educating new members on frat history, structure, and rules. The workload probably averages out to about 4 hours per week, but it feels like so much more. Between constantly messaging other board members about budgets, scheduling, other members, or misc decisions and my own responsibilities, it’s a lot to handle while also juggling a part-time job (15 hrs/week) and full-time student workload (13 units).

On top of that, I am the Intern Chair for a social/cultural group and am responsible for fostering friendships among old and new members and teaching newbies about club history and board members in hopes of them signing on as interns. So it’s similar to my position in the frat but significantly less demanding. The time commitment is about 1.5 hours a week.

On top of my specific duties as a board member, I also attend weekly general meetings and board meetings. For two clubs. Ultimately, what it comes down to is I have an hourly planner that shows me each week how many hours I have to do homework and personal tasks each day. I legitimately pencil in when I can eat meals.

I know, I know: I signed up for this life, so I gotta sit in the hole I dug for myself. I get it. But it feels exhausting to have so little time as a transfer student yet so much passion for my interests and getting involved. All these commitments will look juicy on my resume (because I ain’t doing all this work just to downplay it on paper) but why must it be so tiring? Why don’t I feel fulfilled rather than drained?

Taylor Swift is back on Spotify and…

T-Swift is back on Spotify and honestly, it’s such a wonderful service to everyone. Binging on all her music brings back all these feelings I felt when I was a young teen, and I have resolved a lot of the emotions. In fact, I think some things have only intensified.

For example, on her first album, the self-titled one from 2006, she has songs about heartbreak, jealousy, and quite a bit of loneliness. Or at least, that’s what I read from it. Songs like “A Place in this World” and “Tied Together with a Smile”. With lyrics like,”Maybe I’m just a girl on a mission, but I’m ready to fly. I’m alone, on my own, and that’s all I know. I’ll be strong. I’ll be wrong, but life goes on. I’m just a girl trying to find a place in this world” how can a listener not relate? I just turned 21 last Wednesday and am on track to graduate next spring with my bachelors. But what then? What is my place in this huge, crazy world? For “Tied Together with a Smile”, there’s still the relevant topic of mental health and the weight of other’s expectations. “You’re tied together with a smile but you’re coming undone” resonates with so many people in their moments of exhaustion, doubt, and disappointment. The fact that she was what, 15?, when she wrote these blow my mind. I’m in my twenties (eek. how?) and these emotions are part of my weekly thoughts. I don’t think it’s a matter of maturity or anything like that, but more of a testament to her musical artistry of being able to tap into human experience and emotion.

And then there’s, of course, those sounds about clumsy romance and feelings broken for the first time like (you already know it) “Teardrops on My Guitar” and “A Picture to Burn” that transports you back to the first time you felt darker feelings and it’s reassuring in a way only hindsight can provide. They’re songs I think I’ll always come back to, because this is probably the third(?) time I’ve come back to this song and it still hits all the feels. Recently, I felt similar feelings when the guy I had feelings for asked me to meet his new girlfriend, after telling me a few month ago, “dating makes me feel like I’m so tied down” and telling me we could go on a date and then preceding to never bring up the topic again. Okay, dude. Yeah, I bet she’s beautiful and a great person, a girl loaded with all these qualities that I don’t have.

Sprinkled into this same emotion mix of an album is the idealism so precious in youth, heard in “Our Song”. I don’t think I’ll ever skip that song when it comes up in my queue, because it’s bigger than just the story of a teen romance. It’s about chasing after something you care about for maybe the first time, and doing that with recklessness, innocent curiosity, and joy. There’s this realization in the power of passion. Like the excitement you feel talking on the phone when you shouldn’t, or the in-the-moment presence of writing something down on a napkin, or the simple happiness in driving in a car with someone you care about. There’s so much life in that song; it really shouldn’t be underestimated. The vulnerability and lost wonder in this album really makes it timeless. I really didn’t expect to feel such connection to her music, let alone write a blog post about it 10 years after its release. Ha, I guess I’ll always kinda be that 13 year old girl afraid of other people’s perceptions and loneliness at heart. And that’s kinda okay with me..? We’ll see.

tldr: Tay Swizzle makes me feel all the feels and I’m binging all of her songs 5ever.

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